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Wednesday, July 8th, 2009
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10:29 pm - yahoo
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does anyone else have yahoo mail? are you totally unable to access your inbox?
cuz seriously. i can get to the login page, but when i put in my username and password, the page just goes blank, and it's pissing me off.
and of course, since it's yahoo, there's no contactable customer service to speak of. fuckers.
ETA: wait, i spoke too soon - now i can't even get to the login page? fucking brilliant. i give up. goodnight.
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12:29 pm - not for another hundred years
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thanks to ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) obie119 (albeit on a different website where we are friends) for pointing it out, we are thisclose (four minutes and a few seconds, actually), from 12:34:56 on 7/8/9.
which, forgive me, is pretty awesome.
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| Tuesday, July 7th, 2009
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2:28 pm - on chantix
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wow. this is so weird, you guys: i don't want a cigarette.
but like, not that i just don't want one, but i'm not even thinking about them, and when i force myself to, nothing happens! usually, especially so soon into the quitting, i'll be okay, but then i think about smoking and it's like an instant craving, but now it's just... it's like the whole thing has just been removed from my brain entirely. even the time-of-day triggers aren't there, which is strange, but the stranger thing is...
well... i'm not sure how i put this. i don't physically want one. i don't mentally want one. but somewhere my brain knows that, by this point in the day, i should have had at least five or six cigarettes, and so while i don't want one in the slightest, i'm feeling slightly disoriented from the lack, but only in the same way where, if you're one of those people (like myself) who gets wicked ocd about routines and then you do something out of order, it sort of throws you.
it's like that. and it's really really weird.
in other news, cuz there's always other news, internet is running slow 'round these parts. i blame it on the shitty weather.
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| Sunday, July 5th, 2009
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1:21 am - a song before bed
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it's the fourth of july. i can never not have this song in my head.
in other news, despite the recession the fireworks were still entrancing. i still haven't figured how to to describe their affect/effect on me, except to say that it's like... i just... you just wanna vanish into them, you know?
happy 4th. g'night.
current music: Aimee Mann - "4th of July"
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| Saturday, July 4th, 2009
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12:40 pm - single
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it just occured to me that today is the 4th.
well okay, i knew it was the 4th in terms of fireworks and the like, thanks. but what i mean is, this is my relationship time! last year and the year before, i was dating people! two years ago it was steve (the evil gay djinn), last year it was zack.
and granted, both "relationships" ended with some modicum of gnashing of teeth and rending of clothing (in the psychological sense, not the physical. never the physical.), i still had them. maybe that's what feels different about this year, that i don't have someone to date. mind you i'm not upset about this by any means (it's more a 'huh' than an 'aw'), but it's funny (for me) to think about is all.
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11:59 am - a misplaced sense of vindication
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so i bit the bullet and looked at the 19-year-old's profile.
it was just that one picture - he's not as cute as i thought. somehow, i feel better. happy 4th of july!
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10:22 am - dream. skip if you must.
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i'm not sure if my dream last night was saying i need more exercise, or that i need to watch less tv.
which, well, are sort of the same thing in a way, but let's take a closer look.
it started, if i recall correctly, as some sort of mountainbiking excursion that was alternately something i was doing as an adult and then part of the summer camp i used to go to, and someone, i can't remember who, kept lagging behind and i kept flashing back and forth between where i was in the group and back with this person to try to help him or her along.
then i was on my highschool campus, meeting up with corey meehan of all people (i'll put corey's and my history behind a cut, because it's... ( complicated. )) to go bike riding. we got to talking on the ride about my mom, and how we all (myself included, apparently) used to call her 'medusa' because she was so mean. which is funny, because in reality, in elementary school my mom was a 'computer lady' (once or twice a week our class would go to the small corner of the library designated as the "media center" because of the computers (apples? commodores? i couldn't even say) and a few moms would volunteer to teach the class how to do things on the computers like play 'oregon trail') and all the kids had crushes on her.
anyway, so we were riding, and i was saying how i had no recollection of referring to my mom as 'medusa', and then suddenly michael jackson and paris hilton were best friends and michael was in trouble for something, so as the solution they both got plastic surgery to look like the other. the next bit was just the confusion of talking to michael jackson but having paris hilton's voice come out and vice versa, and at some point i copied either a fleetwood mac or heart song for desertbriar (she liked the plinky piano version better than the punk one. n'okay.), and then mia michaels got a job with bank of america which somehow meant that paris and michael got surgeries to reverse the plastic surgery so that they were themselves again and mia said she was a mockingbird, so she quit bank of america via public address in a little 'americana'-type prefab village that was actually some sort of b-o-a headquarters, and even though her boss (who i'm pretty sure was sylvia (my ex-... well she was never my manager or even really my superior, but she was the (bitchy, antagonistic) one in charge of giving me responsibilities before lynn came in and put her in her place) was furious, she ran through the village to the hr desk and handed her badge to the hr rep, who was ms. j alexander (runway diva coach extraordinnaire), who declared to the assembled masses "y'all, a mockingbird gotta be a mockingbird."
after which i woke up.
hello.
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| Friday, July 3rd, 2009
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1:05 pm - yet again, i'm old
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so i was just browsing around on okcupid, and i saw a thumbnail for this wicked cute boy, and i was gonna click on his advert, but then i noticed:
he's 19.
and even though that's perfectly legal, i just... ugh. i can't. i can't do it! i cannot in good conscious, being 32 years old, look at a 19 year old's personal ad. man, what has become of me.
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| Tuesday, June 30th, 2009
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10:36 pm - taking a trip
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i wasn't sure which icon to use, because i'm not sure how i feel. i'm not sad, i know that, but there is some anxiety, but also some happiness in that i'm finally doing it, so who can say for sure.
mom died in 1997. the unveiling was a year later, october 1998. that was the last time i was at the cemetery. which, you may find me cold for that, but in fairness she was buried in jacksonville, so it's not like i could visit any time i'm in michigan, but that's sidestepping the issue, which is that location aside, it's pretty terrible that i've not been to my own mother's grave in eleven years. in eleven years i've never placed a stone on her headstone, and that positively, no pun intended thank you, kills me.
so i've resolved, while i cannot afford it this year, next october i'm going to jacksonville to visit her grave. this'll be twelve years she's gone, and so i was going to wait until the 15th anniversary, but then i realized there is no sense in that - if it's something i want to do, that i strongly feel i need to do, why keep putting it off? so there it is, october 2010. what will that be like? i can't say. but i invited desertbriar, dad and loree to come with me, and while only the former has thus far confirmed, if nothing else i can have dinner with nick and sam, so at least there will be company. nick and sam, while wonderful, brilliant people, are not friends with whom i'm close enough to confide in or lean on. but they're both great fun and it's a diversion if nothing else.
it'll be okay. i'll be okay. and i'll feel better in the long run for having done it, and at this point that's what matters most.
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| Sunday, June 28th, 2009
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5:16 pm - post-vacation depression
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or not depression, exactly. maybe i should say 'post-vacation let-down'. what i hate most about going away is the way that, upon return, i settle so quickly back into routine, and it's like i was never gone in the first place.
it's well known (and frequently declared at that) how much i love my boston friends. but sometimes i really miss my northampton friends, and one weekend a year just doesn't feel like enough right now.
it's well known how much i love my apartment. but sitting on the fire escape and looking out at the house in the back yard and the other back yards surrounding that just cannot replace sitting on the deck and looking out at the island, the sakonnet harbor and the ocean beyond.
i am quite a fan of my bed, and waking up in my room is a comfort. but my god if there isn't something to be said, cricks and all, for waking up on a couch with the dog's tail slapping against the floor, nick and sam two couches over, lindsey and john in the big bedroom and jessie and nick in the smaller, making coffee with the sink tap as slow as manageable so as not to wake anyone else up, easing open the screen door so it doesn't slam in the morning breeze. everyone slowly waking at their own speeds and the gradual process of breakfast and showers, afternoons spent on cliffwalk and touring mansions, ice cream at gray's (or is it grey's?) reading on the deck and firing up the grill, nights with a good drink and good conversation, the best times of my life. waking up, showering, getting on the train, coffee, hours at my desk and home again by myself to watch tv until bedtime and get up and do it again, there is comfort in routine, but at the same time there is no comparison.
jessie got another week toward the end of july. if my bank account will be agreeable, there is no way i will not go again.
current music: T. Rex - "Find a Little Wood"
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12:51 am - i still need a 'rhode island' icon
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home. caught up on your lives. entirely relaxed, entirely broken-out on my forehead for reasons beyond my knowing. i took my new camera, so nothing is digital - pics to come once they're developed and somehow moved to my computer.
regarding that thing everyone else has been talking about even though it's nearly two-day old news by now... yes, i was something of a fan, i suppose. yes, i had the jacket and the glove and i saw the thriller concert in person (because friends of my parents had tickets and mom and dad wanted me to go, though the highlight was really much later that night - seeing my first porn and, the next morning, my very very first encounter with someone else's penis, even though at the time it terrified me and i intentionally whaled my head against the bedframe just to put a stop to it), and yes, in some ways the music was the soundtrack to my childhood.
but... back when heath ledger died, i said he totally princess diana'd brad renfro's mother theresa. mj sort of did that to farrah. s'all i'm saying.
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(6 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009
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8:55 am - i need a 'rhode island' icon
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or at least a 'camp' one. maybe i'll work on that.
in the meantime (in between time, ain't we got fun!), i do leave for vacation tomorrow morning, and jiminy cricket, i am getting antsy! i didn't want to wake up this morning, i didn't want to wash and dress and walk down the street and get on the train and get coffee and come to work because all i really wanted was to sleep in a bit, gather my belongings, get in the car and go to rhode island.
i get a hint of it tonight - it's nick-and-sam nick's birthday and i've been invited to dinner at kaze shabu, and jessie and her nick are driving up from rhode island for the occasion, so short of lindsey and jon that'll be the normal camp "crew" as it were, and god knows i love me some shabu shabu (especially from kaze), but it's not quite the same as my favorite place on earth.
in other news, cuz there's always other news, the last few days have apparently secretly been Bump Into People You Don't Normally See days. because last wednesday post-judith i saw JWIMB, who i never (or at least very rarely) see out and about, and then yesterday i saw her husband martin, again who i never see, and then when i got to harvard square and went down into the station, i saw that_cad's ian (who i admittedly used to see on occasion, but that was before we really knew who the other was), and sometimes despite size, boston really does have that certain small-town feel.
back in initial news, i'm totally checked out already. if i seem spacey (like kevin!) at all today, it's just because my brain is already on vacation. woot.
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| Sunday, June 21st, 2009
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4:32 pm - oh my god ENGAGED!!!!!
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| Saturday, June 20th, 2009
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4:39 pm - brilliance. wow. or should i say, WoW.
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| Friday, June 19th, 2009
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11:11 am - credit cards
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so like i said last night, i've got to change my reservation for michigan, and to do so i needed the credit card.
not knowing the northwest website doesn't have a "use same credit card" button or something, i don't have the card with me. so i called citibank this morning to get the number, and after being yelled at by the customer service rep for not having the account number, i explained that that is because i didn't have the card with me, the very reason i was calling in the first place. then they asked me (i'd already said i just needed the number off the card) if i'd lost the card, and... i fairly lost my shit (i believe it went "no, i did not lose my card, my card is sitting at home on my desk, but i am at work, and i need to change this reservation! and now you're telling me you can't find the account for which i have a card? you're telling me you can't find the account that i pay a bill for every month? basically you're telling me that despite being a timely and responsible customer, i'm screwed, is that what you're telling me?"). i was told that they could not find me in the system with my social, and they told me they'd transfer me to an "account specialist", whatever that is, and i explained the situation again, in as even tones as i could manage, and the guy took down all my information, asked to put me on hold, and hung up the phone.
i was fucking livid. i decided i wouldn't call back right away though, because if my childhood taught me anything, what good does rage do?
so i chilled. i waited a few hours. i had a sudden image of my credit card in my head.
um... yeah. my credit card? is capital one.
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| Thursday, June 18th, 2009
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10:44 pm - when it's time to change, you've got to rearrange
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yo yo check it out. the plan was to go to michigan the weekend of july 17th, and as it turned out, my friend laurie is gonna be in town then too, as is Matt, Son of Marcia, and i see them both about once in a lifetime, so i was wicked excited!
so dad just called. in the space of roughly two days, they sold the south beach condo and bought a new place a few doors up the street, and they close and have to move, thus they have to be in florida now, the weekend of july 17th.
i've got no problem moving the flight (and dad said he'd pay me back for the ticket transfer fee), and by no means do i begrudge them the triumph of selling the condo or the joy of getting the new house. obviously it has nothing to do with me, but man, way to fuck up my plans entirely!
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10:55 am - graduating
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so last night, as i said, was my last night of therapy. i wasn't really sure what to expect (i knew i wouldn't have to go before, like, a board or anything, but you never really know). we talked a little about my smoking relapse, and then just sort of went over the last few years, discussed where i am now and where i'll go from here, exchanged some platitudes and then as i was leaving?
totally hugged judith. i mean, out of courtesy and because i wasn't sure if it'd be appropriate i asked first, but yeah. she smells like wisdom.
anyway, so this is me, therapy graduate! fixed and ready for the world! meaning, loosely translated, bring on the mens!
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| Wednesday, June 17th, 2009
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10:05 pm - sytycd!!!!
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so li'l c, as i said to confectionate, is apparently big on expressifying his vocabulation. cuz god damn the man does talk, and 90% of the time i have no idea what he's saying. anyway. i liked asuka and vitolio's routine, and i liked jonathan and whatsherface's routine, but beyodn that i wasn't blown away by tonight's show. instead, i'm just gonna share some of my favorite routines from the past few seasons. the first is far and away my all-time favorite, and after that it's no particular order.
sara and jesus
( and the rest )
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4:28 pm - hollywood ricky!!!!
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9:35 am - milestone
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so guess what!
tonight? at 8:00pm (or maybe a few minutes shy of that), i will have finished my last therapy session!
yes, two years and eight months later, i'm fixed! yaaaaaay!!!
okay, so technically i guess i'm not fixed fixed, and judith says i should still call her if anything comes up and believe me i have every intention to follow through with that, but man, after close to three years of this? you better believe that the idea that i'm better enough that i can get by without my weekly or bi-weekly visits makes me so happy.
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(9 comments | comment on this)
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